All the “Mes” I Have Tried to Be.

It’s all so simple, really.

You commit to something and then you make your life that one thing until something knocks you off your orbit and that thing can no longer be made anymore.

And then you commit to floundering.

You commit yourself to the misery and despair of being lost in that sea of “What Nows?” and “Who Am Is?”

And then that becomes your thing.

You will deny it completely.

You could be interrogated and tortured and that truth will be pushed so far down the rabbit hole you won’t even know it’s there.

Until one day, you get knocked off your orbit once again.

And then like a wayward asteroid…. A pinball in an endless loop, you continue to be knocked. And knocked. And knocked.

It’s the most simple plight.

We make it complex by attaching meaning to it all.

We make it some long-winded romcom by thinking that somewhere in the suffering there is some martyr trophy you win. That you get the parade and the applause and everyone says “congratulations on suffering the hardest. Now that you are all better…. You finally win!”

Even stepping away from it all can become Your Thing. I am the Loner now. Now I am the Introvert. I was the Suffering One. But now I am the Quiet One in the Corner. Or whatever.

The questions you have to ask yourself sometimes to make sure your skin can still tingle.

The questions you have to ask yourself that challenges this commitment to the bullshit.

Questions like….

If I were someone else…. Would I want to have me as a friend?

If I were married to me…. Would I want to come home to myself every day?

They are party questions.

They are the kind of questions you get drunk with your friends and have deep thoughts to late at night around a fire.

They take on a different meaning when you are alone and trying to figure out how to end this cycle of commitment you seem to latch on to so easily. This commitment to desire and need for worth and love.

The kind of commitment that makes you lose your ground with each step because you plummet down as if you were leaping into the abyss each time you put your foot down on what you thought was solid ground.

So here is the truth….

My mind currently is an empty slate. I continue to wake up each morning and think, “well – here I am.” And that’s about it.

My yoga teacher shared a poem by Hafiz with us.

The words reached out to me through the darkness I still seem to carry (another commitment I suppose).

But it did shine a light that continued to stay lit even after he finished reading it.

The words lingered.

I am still tasting them, hearing them. Feeling them on my skin.

My Eyes So Soft

Don’t surrender your loneliness so quickly.

Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you

As few human or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight

Has made my eyes so soft.

My voice so tender.

My need of God Absolutely Clear.

I guess right now things are still fermenting. I am pushing away the stories I have committed to memory inside of me.

The stories of memory I have committed myself to.

Its all so simple, really. Letting it all go and saying “this will no longer be my story.”

It is what fills up the emptiness that starts to seem complicated.

 

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