It’s another Monday at work. Only, this is a Monday after another nice long break. I have mixed emotions about things lately. The weather is getting a little better. The school year is coming to a close. My days at my job are also coming to a close.
I think about how I began the year – hopeful and confident that I made a good choice and I landed where I was meant to land.
This was a year of so many changes. New home, new family members (my dad got remarried), new job.
I never thought I would be someone who had difficulty with change. Adjusting was a necessary strength I acquired throughout my childhood since nothing was ever consistent. My mother’s mental illness always left me standing on shaky ground. It got to the point where I expected all ground to be rumbling beneath me. I was always prepared. With a smile and a witty joke to boot.
Since the day I left home at 18, I didn’t live anywhere for more than 2 years until I got married. I was accustomed to moving. Never fully settling down.
I had that shit on lock. Get up and go. I was always that girl.
And yet I always craved stagnancy. I at times wished I could be a murky, muddy puddle of water and not always a rushing brook bubbling through life. Swimming upstream was always how I rolled. Sometimes I just wanted to float a little.
When I got this job, a feeling flowed through me. It was this feeling of permanence. A sigh of relief that maybe I finally found a place to burrow my roots deep into some soil.
Any soil. This was the soil.
I wanted it to be the soil so I knew it should be it and I was ready.
And, then, I remember now little tiny signs. Signs that of course I wanted to ignore. Flashing lights and sirens now, but at the time I turned a blind eye to them.
Like the panic attack that I had a few days before I began my new job. I knew something was wrong. I felt like I made an awful decision. I talked myself down, blaming it on my ability to worry and stress about so many things. But this just felt different. I had no frame of reference though to match it with any other warning sign. Most of the warning signs hardwired in my brain were related to potential abuse and anger.
I still don’t recognize when I am making mistakes that won’t hurt me, but also won’t really help me on this path.
I am getting there, though.
And this morning, I woke up, feeling the same old boring shit I have been feeling for months. The same old depression and misery about going back to a place I failed in. The same old stupid feelings of failure. The same script again and again and again.
It’s getting SO. OLD. I am even annoying the shit out of myself.
I can’t get out of this loop sometimes though.
I said to a coworker as we sat down grumbling about Monday that I am going through a paradigm shift.
I fucking said that.
I don’t think I ever said the word “paradigm” in my life.
I didn’t even think I knew what that word meant.
But there it was – swimming around in the swampy stew of my subconscious, yearning to bust through the surface, take a deep breath, and howl at me to wake the frick up.
And so there that word popped out of my mouth and into a new reality.
My belief system is broken to bits and pieces. It’s not working for me anymore, yet I still insist on switching it on – like my laptop I currently own that takes forever to boot up, and even then it keeps crapping out on me (which is why I take so long to write my blog posts lately).
It’s the only laptop I own though. But what about my beliefs? Do I own others?
Because – I don’t know who I am without these broken beliefs propelling me forward.
I don’t know who I am when I’m not pleasing others.
I don’t know who I am when I’m not getting praised for the work that I do.
I don’t know who I am when I don’t get complimented on some aspect of myself.
I knew a long time ago that I never wanted to be “that person” looked down upon – criticized… Ignored… Thought of as useless and stupid and annoying…
But who else do I want to be? How else am I able to be seen when I kind of shit the bed with what I don’t want anymore?
I am now finding myself in situations where I’m not filling the role I set for myself. I’m not wowing people and getting praise and making people want to be near me anymore.
I have been whiny and snivelly and wearing my lack of confidence around like a booger on my face that no one wants to tell me is there.
My belief system is mean to me. It bullies me and it makes me feel like shit. It kicks me when I am down. My belief system is a big stupid cunty bitch.
But it is all that I have right now.
I walk around with this darkness all around me and inside of me. Everything that was stoking my fire at one time is now out. I am not lit up anymore. I am fizzled out with smoke surrounding me and I. Don’t. Know. Who. I. Am. Anymore.
I spoke to someone recently who told me his motto in life is never to “love or be loved.”
When he saw the look of pity on my face he got all pissed and said to stop that. He insisted he was happier that way.
I arrogantly insisted that he wasn’t.
But – who the fuck am I to tell other people what makes them happy or not?
The truth is my motto was to try to love and be loved as much as possible. It sounds noble enough – but there is a neediness and a dependence there that leaves a huge black hole if it is not constantly filled with that sense of being loved and appreciated by others.
I am probably less happy than he is. He probably knows who the fuck he is more than I know who the fuck I am.
No – I don’t want to adopt his motto or his belief system because I know that would never work for me. I am surrounded by too much love to turn away from it to protect those fragile soft places of my soul. They are already scarred and bruised anyway. I survived so far with some of the beliefs I carry with me.
But – I am coming to the painful realization that I do not know what “being happy” is anymore. Yes I feel joy at a lot of things but I am not sure if I ever could say I could plant a flag on any one thing and say “here – this is where my happiness is!”
My Buddhist husband would say that’s a good thing because then I am not attached to some superficial idea or label of who I am or what happiness is – and if I am not attached to any of it, it will all be easier to let go of someday.
So – I guess it is good that I have no idea who I am.
I guess Buddha would be proud of me.
But still… Here I am. Floundering around trying to figure out what my next step is. Yeah, yeah… Faith is taking a step without knowing where the staircase is and all that. But what do they call falling down those steps and hitting every jagged edge on the way down? I don’t know where faith begins or ends – and where stupidity and blind ignorance takes over.
I don’t know what anything is anymore.
A paradigm shift is when you replace your belief system with a whole other belief system. Right now all I can replace what I have is with a whole shit load of “I don’t know what the hell to do next.”
But in any case I guess that’s what I’m going through right now…. A paradigm shift.
Maybe I just like saying that word a lot.
I know I have some big important things to do. I just don’t know what they are yet.
But there was a time where I knew exactly where I was going and what I was doing. And I was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
So maybe this time I’m doing it right.