“Ummm… think you can still go to school?” I asked my 8 year old who never ever complains about being sick EVER as he laid on the couch this morning with glazed eyes and flushed cheeks.
I could NOT miss another day of work. I just couldn’t.
Not when I was out sick last week for 2 days.
Not when this week is already a short week.
Not when I promised the social worker I would be there today to work with a kid she so desperately needed me to work with.
And especially not when I know I already have lost this job, and want to make them all wish they weren’t losing me because I was so valuable and always was reliable and showed up no matter what.
Yeah. especially that.
I still care what people think of me. Even when I already know what they think of me.
I care more abou what people think of me than making my son feel it is OK if he is sick and I have to ake the day off to stay home with him.
Something is wrong with this picture. It would be bad enough if I was still a contender in keeping this job. I jumped through hoops when that was still on the table like an idiotic seal.
But now that it is clear I won’t, what the fuck am I trying to prove? Just like last week I was terrified of calling in sick and having people at my job not believe me. To the point where I was ready to show up sick to prove something.WHY?
I already tried to prove that I am reliable. Valuable. Hard working. Effective.
It did not work.
It Did. Not. Work.
Why do I keep trying to fix myself wth broken tools?
I stood there looking at my son as if this was debatable. As if I coud just put him on the bus and send him to school with fever.
But I thought about it for a hot minute.
And he knew I was thinking about it and watched me with pleading, sad little glassy eyes.
Of course he stayed home. Of course I changed out of my work pants and work shoes and threw my ripped jeans and hoody on and hunkered down to spend the day with him. Of course I texted people at work and got back curt responses that my overactive mind can only interpret as “yeah right, bitch. Enjoy your day off. Again.”
The guilt and the helplessness still gnawed away at me. Familiar little pests. Like moths that kept finding their way back into the cupboards at my old house. But with this, I can’t pick up and move and store all of my experiences in tightly sealed mason jars to keep them out.
I spent the day today doing my best to accept the fact that everyone is pretty much going to think at this point that I am probably lying and just want to stay home because my job situation sucks right now.
And yes, it would make sense to do that.
And a huge part of me wants to do that.
But I am too busy adulting the shit out of my life to succomb to that temptation.
But it’s OK because the universe, being the confusing fucking thing that it is, simply does it for me. So I get to stay home anyway.